My father here , has had a huge impact on my life and it is because of him that I am the person I am today. A lot have say that I am a lot like him, both physically and mentally. Same mannerism, facial expressions, and thinking processes.
My father was and remains my hero, my rock, my best friend and a life without him didn’t seem possible. It still doesn’t. How do you put one foot in front of the other when the ground beneath you is crumbling? How do you speak when unshed tears claw at your throat? My heart didn’t feel broken or shattered when my father died. It felt as if it had been ripped bloody and pulsating from my chest, leaving only a gaping hole to remind me of its existence.
I’ve written about him before in diaries and social medias .Every where. But it was when the grief was fresh and raw, and the protective numbness allowed me to focus not only on who he was to me, but to other people: his passion for social justice and political argument ; his refusal to bend to popular opinion and teaching me never to follow parties, rather to question and engage ideas. To be a leader of my very ownself.He was the man who gave and gave and gave to his friends and love ones until he had nothing left to give.
Then he gave some more.
Among other health issues, he had an enlarged heart, which made perfect sense to me. His heart was too big. He trusted too much, loved too hard to make the people around him happy with the things they have .
As fall settles in during this third year since his death, my grief is much more subtle. It’s not this looming monster that threatens to destroy me. Grief has become something that I no longer try to fix because, with time, I’ve grown to understand that it never goes away. You just learn to live with it.
But I MISS his hands—wide, warm hands that would rub my head at the times I am tired .He was a man full of pride and ego , and this was the way he express his love to me . I can feel it .
I miss laying across his bed watching WWE with him and ending up arguing on who should win and who should not .
I miss his laugh. Oh, his laugh could light up a room and reverberate for hours after he left. I miss reaching for his room with my step mother just because I had a nightmare & I like his comfort .How it feels being the favourite daughter and getting too spoilt by him.
I miss his attention .His never the type that compares nor make me feel the lowest .His never the one that makes me feel competitive nor out of my comfort zone .Out of so many people in the world, the only difference between the others and papa was that he has always believed in me .He believed in my instincts ,he trusted my choice . Of course there were times when I do a mistake and he did correct me .But never in the form of demoralizing or scolding .All he did was to raise his opinion .He knows his daughter too well .He knows perfectly the things and words that will hurt me , and he will never put it on me .
I miss walking with him ,Mind me ,my papa is a little too hot for the girls out there .Haha . I like how it feels like when his body is so huge and broad and he starts talking to me . He always put words ,perfectly . It feels so good being his princess , i never felt it again until now .
I. Miss. Him. And the longer he’s gone, the more at home the hurt becomes.
There are days that I can deal with the pain and take it as a motivation .
'' Papa is watching me .Do him proud ''
Somtimes , I just missed him and cry and whine to myself.When I remember that all he ever wanted for his children was for us to be happy, I realize that nothing would devastate him more than knowing that his death caused even a second of unhappiness.
But it hurts. Of course, I can tell anyone the stories my father had with me, but a story can’t replace the feeling of laying on his lap and feeling his laugh reverberate until a responding smile tickles your lips—and knowing that in that moment, all is right with the world.
He’s always made everything right..
A love of a dad is irreplaceable.How egoistic , how firm a man can be , there is always a spot that is rarely we can see . Appreciate him when his scolding you , he cares .Love him when his making lame jokes . He was trying to make you happy .
I have love and miss you my dearest papa :')
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